Great hearing from you. Yes your dad and my dad both had dark sides. Yes dad tried to hit me with a belt, he got me a couple times but like I said mom was always there between us. She took the brunt of it. The screaming, hollering, fighting, tantrums. I would always wake up to fighting. Dad hated it that I had a mind of my own and I was not bended to his will.
When I was 17 my sister and mom had gone somewhere and dad went into one of his blind rages. He blinded the dog that tried to get between us in one eye and went after me, I was cornered and I knew I was going to be hurt bad…..mom was always yelling at him ” not to use her good chicken boning knife to butter bread” well that’s what he had done that morning and when I was trapped in that corner, I know how trapped animals feel, maybe why I love animals so much, I felt behind me, felt the bread box door and remember my hand going around the boning knife. I don’t remember the rest. I was still in the corner when I remember mom telling me “to let go of the knife, open your hand and let go of the knife….” she said. While dad was a mean nasty man to the two of us, he was a coward deep down and while
I don’t remember the rest of that moment, I blanked out* , he never tried to come after me again. Yelled hollered called names, but never anything else. A few months after that I was riding my exercise bike and he went after mom. I got off the bike stepped between them and told him ” never again, you will never hurt her again. ” Yes still hollering fighting cursing but as far as I know he never tried again. I had found power. It went to my head there for awhile and I turned into dad. But was maybe six months and I remember , do I want to be like this, like dad? The answer was no and the rest is history…….I did not turn out like dad, I learned to embrace the good side and I learned I could stand up for myself. No more church mouse, like the history teacher used to call me, always seen never heard. That moment changed my life. I could have never worked with inner city children. They are abused, neglected, not wanted, I have seen some terrible things but I teach then they can get past it , they can never have to turn out like that and they never give up. They can survive and they have to understand that this moment will make them stronger and better. They can make good choices. So I could have never been a “teacher in the hood” without that. (An award winning teacher in the hood, when mom died, she loved to keep count and she loved them hung up all over the house. 87 of them. Local, state national. Mom and dad both went with me to Washington DC to meet President Clinton and they spent two week with me there when I won the Presidential Award in Elementary Science and Math Teaching Excellence. The nations highest award for a science teacher. We had a nice time. They so deserved me getting that award. I figured it was for them, not really for me. I wouldn’t have gotten it if they hadn’t been there.)
When I got the job with mps dad was working for Chrysler and didn’t know if he would get his retirement so they moved with me to my duplex. ( mps teacher are required to live I. The city limits, not even the county but the city) He did get his retirement , guys six months behind him, not so lucky. And mom and dad stayed here. They helped me teach and do my special teaching projects because sometime I worked 80 hours a week, it wasn’t always easy but it was what it was. He did get control of his temper for the most part ,just never be around during a packer game….ever. LoLo. It was nice when they both got sick, no one went to a nursing home. My sister came to help with mom and I could set everything up before I went to work, come home at lunch , make sure they ate let the dogs out and set up until I could get here after school. It was suppose to be that way I guess.
I never actually forgave dad, but I learned to let go of the past……..after mom died, we actually became friends, we had five years together. I actually feel incredibly blessed , how many people can be that abused by someone and watch what I watched and actually push past it and become friends with the person who did that to them. I was given a great gift from god, as dad was my friend when he died and I loved him. We had a nice five years together and we spent summers together, he loved to sit outside and he would sit outside and I would paint or do summer school work to get ready for the next school year, or sort and organize, he would help me work on something with the house. We had some good times. He even went to Colorado with me when I went to the air force academy and us space foundation one summer for aerospace training. We walked, rode bikes. I had abad back injury and he was my companion. David worked really close back then and we would walk to see him, he would come over after work. It was nice. Nice five years. I am grateful for it. I can’t tell you how much I miss him. Got to spend time with the nice man everyone else saw. So he had a good public side, we just didn’t see it often. Actually when he went to join the wwcg, he and moon were looking for a church together and they were thinking about jehovias witnesses but dad left and did it on his own. Back then many people considered wwcg a cultish church but I think that was just the time and new churches were rare. Now there is one on every corner around here. Times do change don’t they?
He died in march. That first summer alone was agony until David bought me the 3 rd harry potter book, then I told him my second graders can’t read this so he bought me the first book on tape. My kids can listen to tapes well above their reading level. And my friend told me to redo the house, move the furniture around so I did not expect to see him sitting in his chair every time I came in the room. That was ok. I sent the rest of the summer, painting, peeling wall paper, redoing carpet, all listening to Harry potter on tape. I tried the television but all those shows with arguing made me really nervous., so I spent three years with Harry that summer at hogwartz. It got so bad I even listened to it when I walked. Dad didn’t like me listening to headphones when I walked because he said I needed to be aware of what is around me, I live in the city and he was right. So david got me the tiniest speakers he could find and attached them to the bike trailer that turned into a kid buggy. I was walking such long distances my dogs little legs got tired, so whe they had their fill I’d just put them in the bike trailer and push them the rest of the way and listen to Harry, little does jk rowling know her sere is saved me that summer. It was great escape,
* in my many year so of working with children I learned “blanking out” is a childhood defense mechanism. It it there to help a child process what they have seen or experienced. It can also assist with traumatic events. The brain blanks out what the mind or body can’t handle.
