Archive May 16, 2014

Mom died in January 1995 and two days later my 18 year old dog Tinker died. I started seeing david in July of 1995. We had a lot in common as we were care takers of sick parents. Then my brother died in August 1995 and David’s dad died in November lastly my Grandpa Lankford died in January 1996, so I lost half of my family within year.

It was hard, so David and I bonded and we have been together since . We got engaged there for awhile but we never got married, still engaged though.

He helped me take care of my Dad I lost dad in March 2000 and we lost David’s mom in December of 2000.

So our common bond was care taking. When the cult Dad was involved with came in and robbed the house three days before he died, I did not feel safe here , as they took all the keys, papers, bank books, records, everything they could so David moved in to make me feel safe and he still lives here and we are still together. I have a duplex so my sister also lives in part of the duplex. The three of us take care of each other.

I love my safe place. When I was so sick three years ago, I needed a safe place. The safe place in my bedroom corner that is in my bedroom. It has my favorite sheets, on my bed in my pillows. I watch Roku and I stay there safe. I love it there. I really do. I control the television and the battery operated candles and I have my puppies sitting on my bed, and maybe a cat or two will come visit. I love it there. When the world was caving in, it was my only safe place.

Creamy’s safe place too, no more puppymill

We look we see we don’t process
We look we hear we don’t process
We look we feel we don’t process

How much of life will pass us by
And we won’t see the little things in the sky
The clouds the birds the and then we die

We don’t look at the flowers, the buds or the leaves
We miss the worms the butterflies and the webs the spiders weave
The dirt, the roots, the beautiful things we do not perceive

The sounds of the birds and squirrels as they chatter
The opossums and raccoons as they get fatter
The small little lives all around us that clatter

The warmth mom the sun of a spring day
The cool of the wind as it passes out way
The green grass under our feet in May

We look we see we don’t process
We look we hear we don’t process
We look we feel we don’t process

June’s garden

I went threw a long crisis, caused by my job. No job should be so important to you that you can’t walk away and let it go but I couldn’t. I was always a person who cared too much. So when I was so sick I. The middle of the 19 months of hell, and especially that first 8 weeks. When I was unjustly accused of something I did not do and then used as a scapegoat, David would say…” you aren’t dying, look around you, see the birds, the flowers, the beauty” I still take it for granted too much. I know that but I try to make a consensus effort to look at the buds, and the beauty around me. Today we saw a baby bunny. It was so cute. The bugs are one the pink lilac tree, the cherry tree is full of blossoms and the Japanese lilac is all leafed out. Don’t forget to look at the little things. I am trying…

A bunny flower arrangement by FTD

I don’t have a lot to say about Mom, she was my world. I loved her more than anything. I have been going to counseling a long time. My counselor said when she heard I grew up in a violent situation that as much as my Dad taught me to hate, that is how much my Mom taught me to love and even more. Because love won out. Thank you Mom

My mom and Debbie

I miss you mom every single minute of every single day!

I don’t celebrate Mom’s day anymore. No need to do it. I lost my mom, but I celebrate she was my mom everyday. I miss her so much

Well yard work is something I needed to do but I haven’t got a lot done lately. So today was major work day. I put out my rainbow chairs for my summer around the big tree in front.

Then I pulled out all the plate flowers I made last year. Decide red which stayed together and which came apart and washed all of them in the dog’s pool. Then I went in the get hard as nails and glues everything that came apart back together. So they are now cleaned and drying and waiting to be put back into the garden.

Then David and I took out all the plants. The house is now plant free for awhile. I put all the plants all around the yard. I repotted and put more dirt in the plants that needed it.

Then I put the finishing touches on my fairy garden. Then mini fairy garden turned out very nice. I love it. It has a beach and a sand castle house, a mountain home that is a teapot, a zen church, a little stream. It has a fairy boutique with a white picket fence and a little wooden garden and I made a nome cave and they are grading emeralds! So fun.

I started making a plant tower. Couldn’t afford a $200 on ebay so I made my own with a $8 lamp post. I put my tri stacking pots on it and it turned out very well. I have to put my herbs in it.

After cleaning up, taking a nap, I went and worked on a chair for awhile

Today, except for me being sick was an ok chemo day. We got up drive to Madison. It was suppose to be a wonderful day in the 80’s. I can’t believe that because we had such a bad winter today was suppose to be 80! Maybe by the time we go home. Then we can take a nap and go I the basement for tonight because we are expecting bad thunderstorms. Coffee doesn’t like thunderstorms. She feels the safest in the basement. With the television on you can really hear anything down there.

Chemo this week is a pill. Getting it down Coffee gets harder and harder. Because it’s a pill she has to drink a lot and pee a,lot because if the pill stays in her bladder it causes and infection. So flush flush flush

Well no chemo today. Blood playlets are 1254 and they need to be 1500. So we come back next week. We just keep plugging away!

Today is my niece Debbie’s birthday. I was in the elementary school when she was born and I took a Red Cross baby sitting class so I could take care of her. She lived in Arkansas but I got to see her occasionally and pretty soon her brother Jamie was born.

Debbie was always special. She was the light of our lives for a long time. A divorce left us estranged from my other two nieces and nephews so having Debbie is our lives was so exciting. She was so cute and so wonderful. Nieces are always wonderful and she made us so happy.

Happy Birthday Debbie

I hate being sick. I hate being tired.
I hate being up all not and have my sleep bothered.
I hate smelling clover
I hate running to the bathroom over and over
I hate being sick. I hate not eating.
I hate that my body keeps taking a beating
I hate soup and I hate tea
I hate that the virus won’t let me be
I hate it …I Hate IT …I hate it….I do
I hate that that I can’t have the potatoes and stew
I hate not getting anything done
I hate that all I can do is run and run
I hate being sick, I hate being tired
I hate feel yucky….oh no the pepto expired!